Be Well Presents: A Coping Conversation - "Courage"

Are you in need of courage? Listen in to our Coping Conversation with Ana, who shares her inspiring story of courage.

Kevin: Welcome. I'm Chaplain Kevin, and today I'm talking with Ana, who from a young age, faced insurmountable challenges that caused her to question everything. And yet she summoned courage in the midst. This is coping. 

Kevin: Hi, Ana. Thank you so much for joining me for this conversation. I'm excited to have you here with me today.

Ana: Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

Kevin: You're welcome. So, as I was reading through your story, the main theme that came up for me was this theme around courage. How do you define courage? What does that word, courage mean to you?

Ana: That's a great question. At this point in my life, I've kind of narrowed it down now to just being able to get back up after life. Circumstance knocks you down. That really, to me, is a real definition of courage. Why is courage displayed by being knocked down and getting back up again? What is courageous about that? I think what's courageous about that is that whatever circumstance comes your way, you're not allowing it to keep you down. You're not allowing it to hinder any type of life grow or just moving on, reaching your goals, to be able to experience something and to say, I'm going to move forward from this. I'm going to get back up. I think that, to me, that's the courageous aspect of it, to be able to get back up and make that conscious decision to move forward. 

Kevin: Yeah. Where in your life have you been knocked down and had to have the courage to get back up again? 

Ana: Gosh, I feel like that's happened in different times from day one, it seems like. So, in all honesty, I think my first memory is of me migrating to this country when I was four years old, and I have memory of us crossing the border. 

Ana: My feet are muddy. My mom is holding my she's holding me. Her feet are muddy, and it's dark, and she's perspirating because she's probably running with me. But that's really kind of my first memory of this idea of, like, I had to really be courageous as a four year old, living through this traumatic experience and being able to move forward in life. And as a four year old, then crossing the border, having to find the courage to start this new life,.

Kevin: How then, did courage evolve for you?

Ana: By the time I was 14 or 15, I had already experienced some other pretty significant traumatic experiences. I grew up without a father, obviously. Like I said, I migrated to this country. My mother was a single parent with two children by the time I was 14. So I was also very parentified. I was the oldest, so I had to take care of my younger sister. There was abuse, domestic violence that I had seen from her, my mother's relationships. Um, there was sexual abuse that I had experienced at a younger age. I remember being a young adult and having suicidal thoughts and having depression and struggling with mental health, illness.  Because of a lot of the trauma that was not processed and a lot of the just different factors. But I was 14 years old, and I was invited to church. My faith kind of began from there, and it was during that time that I started to see that there was a lot of other people who had difficult life experiences, traumatic experiences, and they're okay, I'm going to be okay. 

Ana: By the time I was 14 or 15, I wasn't experiencing the domestic violence anymore. The abuse had already subsided. So it was technically out of that type of danger or trauma, if you will. But the support system played a significant role in allowing me to process, even years later. 

Ana: I remember specifically my youth pastor one time kind of shared and said, you know, you've been through a lot, but knowing and loving God doesn't mean that we it doesn't mean we get to not live a life that's difficult. It just means that you have a God who loves you even amongst these situations and is still with you in the middle of these situations. And I think for me, that was such an anchor that I may still have to go through this difficult situation, but I have someone who still loves me and that accepts me, and I fit in completely and fully with him. 

Kevin: Very affirming that your story of pain and trauma fits within the story of God.

Ana: Absolutely.

Kevin: So learning about courage in a very real, intangible way, how did those lessons translate as you were becoming an emerging adult? 

Ana: Gosh, I was 18 or 19 years old when I traveled back to Mexico, my hometown, for the first time. I started to really get curious about the idea that, hey, I have a father. He's here. Do I want to see him? Do I not want to see him? It was a second trip. I think I was like 2021 or 22 years old and. I had the opportunity to meet him. And so I took the opportunity, and it was obviously, as you can imagine, it was awkward at first, right? That was kind of like the beginning of, oh, I I do have a father. Oh, I could have a relationship with my father. So I met him the first time when I, you know, early twenties. I wasn't married at the time. Fast forward a couple years. I get married and I decide that the next time I want to go to Mexico, I want to show, introduce, if you will, my dad and my now husband. And so we make this trip, we're there. And then I'm told all of a sudden that he's in prison. And I'm like, what? Why is he in prison? What happened? Everybody is not wanting to tell me why. And so at some point I was like, okay, well, nobody wants to tell me why.  I'm just going to go see him. And so finally, my mother and my grandmother sent me down, and they say, Listen, we need to tell you something. And that's when they tell me that he's in prison because he was in Spanish a sicario. In English, he's a cartel member. 

Ana: I'm talking and asking more and more questions. I'm getting more details. He had been imprisoned now for almost a year and a half. My mother and my grandmother had known about it for that long, I guess because he was such an important member of the cartel, when they arrested him, it actually made international news.  And they had seen it on the news here in California, and that's how they found out. But again, nobody told me. A researcher by nature. By this time, I was in the middle of my graduate degree. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to dive into research. 

Ana: So I'm googling his name. I'm googling news. I'm looking for news articles. I'm looking for all kinds of information and details that, for whatever reason, my family doesn't want to share with me. And so. It was disheartening. As I'm reading all these details and things about this person who you know, is my father, and realizing that even the years before, when I had gone to see him for the first time, he was already hiding money, drugs, guns, people's bodies in the same house where I had on to visit and meet him for the first time. 

Ana: At that point, I think time froze. Like, I still remember that. And it feels like a moment where time freezes because I was like, wait, what the shock and the questions? And why am I being told this now? It was just a lot.

Kevin: Today's episode is brought to you by Be Well Resources. Be Well is a wellness organization that seeks to equip you with relevant resources that help you discover and develop your unique gifts. Be Well provides practical tools for wellness and wholehearted living. Follow them on Facebook or Instagram at Be Well Resources to take your next steps toward being well. 

Kevin: Welcome back.

Ana: Soon after that, I found out we were pregnant. We were bringing our first my daughter. And so that brought in a whole nother level of issues because that was thinking like, oh, my goodness, what am I going to tell her when she asks me about her grandfather? That was the first time that I went to therapy because I felt like I couldn't handle everything that was. That I had and I had to deal with and the questions that I had, and I needed some clarity and assistance on, like, where do I even start? 

Ana: But I remember I had a dream one time where I was in a jail, and I kept running down these hallways because he kept calling to me, and I kept trying to find him, and I couldn't. And I wanted and the dream, I wanted to find him because I wanted to share a little bit of light on what seemed to be a very dark world for him. And so after that dream, I shared it with my husband, and I shared it with a couple of close friends, and it was that consensus of maybe it's time to maybe now is the time to sit down and have a conversation with dad about everything that's been going on and also share with him about your faith. And so I did. I hired somebody to go look for him in Mexico. By the time when they found him, he had already been released from prison, and he was at that time, what I think are considered to be him, like, in rehabilitation. And I was very happy about that, and I was able to make contact with him. I let him know that I was pregnant, he was going to have a grandchild. I let him know that I was married, and we would have conversations every so often over the phone. 

Ana: Later on, found out that there was rumors that he was involved in that life again, once again. And so I remember asking him straight out, "Are you doing this? Is this still your lifestyle? Are you choosing to still be a part of the cartel and all of that?" He never answered me. He couldn't say yes or no. And so I took his silence as an answer, a clear answer. And again, because of how high up he was and the organization, the crime organization and all of that, I said, you know, "I'm sorry, I cannot have a relationship with you, even over the phone anymore, for the safety of myself, but also that of my family."

Kevin: And what was his response?

Ana: All he said was, "I understand. It makes sense." And he said, "You're much wiser than me, and you're wiser now probably than I ever have been. And there's nothing that I could have done about that that was not in my control." He was already defeated in many ways.

Kevin: Back to your definition of courage, that perhaps he was knocked down and was unwilling to get back up again, whereas you have been knocked down so many times and gone back up so many times. 

Ana: Absolutely. I basically put the ball in his court, and I said, "If and when you can guarantee that you are no longer part of that lifestyle, you can call me. The door is always open on my end."

Kevin: Did he ever call you? 

Ana: I think four years. Three, three, four years went by. I came home after work like any other day, day, started making dinner. My husband was very serious, and I could tell something was wrong. And I said, "What's up?What's wrong? What's going on?" He kind of just looked at me and he said, "Listen, I have some bad news." And I said, "What is it?" And he said, "Your dad's been murdered." And I was like, "What?" And that's when he shared, "Your cousin posted the news article on Facebook. They've identified it, and it's your dad."

Ana: Obviously, the news article link it to organized crime or what they called organized crime or cartel battles, kind of thing. And that, I think, was the beginning of yet another journey of, how do I process this? Now I don't even have a dad anymore. Wow. How does one cope with all of these layers of trauma? Where do you find the courage and strength to move through it all? I think I've had to be courageous from day one. 

Kevin: Sorry.

Ana: It's okay. I think I've had to be courageous from day one, not knowing and not willingly, but then eventually having the understanding that I've had to have courage to move on. For me, having the courage to even go to my creator and stay and kind of just cry out and really question, like, why is this happening? Why me? Why now? How do I move forward? What do I do? It's. So that has also been very helpful to give me that strength to move on and to keep going and to give me the comfort that I needed to have. I think that's how I found the courage to move on. 

Kevin: What do you say to those who may be struggling? With their relationship with a parent or just struggling to have courage in general?

Ana: Yeah, that's a really great question. I think that for me, I would encourage them to use the support system that they have to look for help, whether that be professional, therapeutic help, or faith based help, or just help with a friend who you're able to be vulnerable enough and open and honest about what you're struggling with.  What is a life situation that has knocked you down? And how can you move forward from that? How can you get back up and face one more day? And that's part of the other suggestion that I would have for people is you take it one day at a time, sometimes even 1 hour at a time, depending on the situation you're going through.  It can give you the encouragement that you need to say, okay, one more day, one more day, one more day. And I think that enough of that happens, that eventually you get to a point where you look back and that situation that knocked you over is now a situation that could potentially would have propelled you to get through this and probably other stuff as well. 

Kevin: Well, Ana, thank you so much for your vulnerability today, sharing with us about the struggles that you have gone through and have overcome. Thank you for your example of courage. Thank you. Kevin, if you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual abuse, help is just a phone call away. 

You can call the National Sexual Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. That's 1-800-656-4673. Or you can visit them online at rainn.org. That's R-⁠A-⁠I-⁠N-N dot org. Thank you.