Grief & Making a List of Losses

In this episode of "Coping," Kevin and Kathy discuss the practice of using lists as a tool to process grief. Learn the benefits of externalizing and focusing on grief through list-making, create lists of losses to help yourself acknowledge, connect, and find meaning in your grief experiences.

Kevin: Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Kathy and I are happy to be with you guys today. 

Kathy: Yes. So last episode, we talked about the ways we process grief stuffers and sharers. 

Kevin: Yes. And we talked about ways to process our grief rather than just stuff it or just share it. And so in this episode, we're going to go a little bit deeper and talk about one way we can begin to get that grief out, how we can go from dealing with grief to processing grief. And so the question we're going to begin with is, "Kathy, are you a list lover or hater? How do you feel about lists?" 

Kathy: I love lists, and I can't wait to dive into this. So let's get started. You mentioned that there's a process we can use to begin to actually get the grief out. Can you explain it a little bit more? 

Kevin: Yeah. So we all have lists that we have running, whether it's grocery lists or to do lists or goals that we have by the end of the year, lists of know, instructions from Ikea, whatever that may be. We have these running lists of things. One example of a list that I have in my new job, I keep a running list of all of the things that I need to do in a particular day or particular week, and I'm constantly adding and subtracting things to that list. What about you? What's one of the lists that you keep?

Kathy: Oh, my goodness. I have so many. My funniest lists are related to shopping, like grocery, Christmas, birthday. That running. I have so many random items on there that for this episode, I was looking at my lists, and I have 181. 

Kevin: Oh, my gosh. Literally 181?

Kathy: Yes.

Kevin: Oh, my goodness. How is it possible? How is that even possible? How do you keep track of 181 lists?

Kathy: I have no idea. But I do have them.

Kevin: Well, that's why you have them, right? Because there's so many things to keep track of. Oh, my goodness. That's crazy. I didn't expect that. Well, maybe we don't all keep 180 lists, but we have lists that are running, and we have them for very practical reasons. But there's an aspect of that practicality that will help us in the process of processing grief. The neuroscience tells us that there are two main benefits when it comes to list making. No matter what kind of list you're making, the two main benefits are externalizing and focusing. 

The benefit of externalizing is to do away with mental juggling. I think we've all been there where we try to keep all of the dates and all of the times and all of the information in our head, and we just find ourselves struggling to keep all of it in our brains. And that's because the neuroscience says most people can only hold about four things in their mind at a time. And I'll be honest, four things sounds like way more than what I can handle. I can do maybe one and possibly two things, but I'm constantly having things fall through the cracks. 

Kathy: Yeah, that's fascinating. Only four things. I think I'm the opposite. I'm holding 181 things, apparently. But this is very important to understand that if our brain can only hold four things, for those of us who attempt to hold more, we are not succeeding, and we probably are facing other consequences for holding all that information in. 

Kevin: That's right. And it could be really mentally exhausting to hold all of that stuff in, and you're expending energy by trying to hold on to those things and not really accomplishing them. So it's a waste of energy. In addition to being challenging, it's a waste of energy. But the other benefit of list making is focusing. So keeping the list and making a list helps you to move from one task to another without wasting time. It ultimately makes you like a productivity ninja. If you have a list of things that you have to take care of instead of wasting energy and trying to remember all of those things, you can actually take time to accomplish each of those tasks one by one. 

Kathy: Yeah, I think that it's so interesting that you're pointing out the focusing. Studies show as I'm helping people with budgets, like in coaching, studies show that if you make a grocery list before you enter the grocery, you're less likely to spend as much money. And so just the five minutes it would take to sit in the car before you walk into the store helps you focus. And then, of course, then there are lots of financial benefits, as one example.

Kevin: Right. Exactly. So we have these two benefits of list making externalizing and focusing. But it really begins to beg the question, "how will listing help with our losses?" Well, the reality is when we experience grief and loss, our subconscious mind creates a running list of all of our losses. And this list runs deep and wide all the way back to our childhood. Some of those ambiguous losses, our mind retains all of those things. And we talked last week about the stuffers and sharers and their attempt to deal with this grief. 

And the principle still that applies for this week is the need to seek out practices that promote externalizing and focus missing. And so when we are using the practice of listing, we can begin to externalize our loss and begin focusing on the pain to start processing that loss. 

When it comes to grief, then externalizing our loss and focusing on our pain will help us to begin to process that loss and help us to move forward. 

Kathy: How do you recommend our listeners engage in this listing practice for grief? 

Kevin: Good question. First, I want to say it may feel a little bit awkward at first to create a list as it relates to grief. It won't be as intuitive, but that's kind of the point, right, is to start using that part of your brain that wants to move through the grocery store really quickly and efficiently and budget consciously for your grief. There seems to be a disconnect, but if we can draw a bridge between those two parts of our mind, I think it will help engage our whole mind into our grief and help us to process it, which is really what the struggle is with our grief, is that we don't process it. It's just there.

The encouragement then is just to start. And the best way to start is have a blank piece of paper with lines and a pen and something to write with. Or if you're more of an electronic person like I am, pull up notes on your phone and just start making a running list. 

You can start with the big things, work your way to the small things. You can start with the things that happened today, this week, since the beginning of the year. Just start writing down like basically a catch all list of all of the losses. What will begin to happen is some of those losses will relate to other little losses or there'll be subcategories of losses. You'll have some repeats of losses, but all of that externalizing of that loss will give you the opportunity to look at that list, to hold it in your hand, and to feel that affirmation of. No wonder I'm so tired, no wonder this has been so hard. Look at all that I've been through. And then that focus also gives you a new perspective to start to be more compassionate to yourself and helps you to focus in on where the pain is and where you need to be good to yourself and where you need to reach out for help and support. 

Kathy: I think from my experience personally, and also doing this with our groups, when we're listing, we start writing down things we didn't even know were lost or things we had forgotten. I know that happened with me. And then drawing some links and connections between losses that I hadn't thought about for decades. So getting it out, the externalizing is super helpful. We had one student say she didn't know that her job loss that happened six years ago was the cause of her depression. It's a simple but very, very effective tool.

Kevin: Yeah. And that's what our brain does. Right. Our brain is wired to make connections. And so when we're creating a list like this and we're able to see it tangibly, the brain will start to naturally connect the dots of the losses that we've experienced and where a lot of our pain is coming from. 

We've talked about the 6th stage of grief before, and that's meaning making. So when we find ourselves in the process of grieving, meaning making is such an important practice that we need to include in the highs and lows of a loss. And we can begin the process of meaning making at any point during our grief experience. If you're able to see the list of losses and your brain's drawing connections about how the loss that you experienced this week is related to a loss you experienced in your childhood or related to the thing that you didn't think was a loss that happened two years ago. The brain can make meaning from that. And that's what the processing work really becomes fruitful and beneficial. 

Kevin: And so I think what I would like to do to conclude our episode today is to lead you all through a journaling exercise to begin the process of list making. 

If you're in a place right now where you're able to grab something to write with or you have a device in front of you that you can type on, I want to invite you to open that up, to pull that out and get yourself in the mindset in a space where you can practice some of that journaling right now. 

So with the piece of paper, with the device in front of you, I want you to just begin with the first thing that comes to mind when you think of grief, when you think of loss. What's that thing that happened to you that feels it's always there? 

It's the heaviest thing in your backpack. Write that thing down first. Maybe there's more than one thing. Go ahead and start writing down some of the things that come to mind as you continue to write. 

Think about the things that you may not traditionally think of as losses, but feel like pain points for you. So those difficult conversations that you've had recently, the time that somebody's at something that really hurt you, a time that something happened that made you upset in a way that you didn't expect, start writing down those things too. 

You think about the different phases of your life, your earliest memories, your childhood, your young adult life, and even just your recent experiences. What are some of those points in time that have made a lasting impression? 

A mark on you because of a loss, because of an experience, a difficult encounter? Write down those things too. You may be at a point in your journaling where you're getting stuck, and that's okay. 

You can look over your list and review and see what other thoughts comes to mind. Even if there's something that you're not sure if it should be on the list, just add it. Just write it down. If it keeps coming to your mind, just write it down. 

If you find yourself free flowing and writing a lot, go ahead and keep on writing until you get to a stopping point. Now that you're at the end and you're looking over your list, why don't you circle those things that feel most heavy right now? 

I'm only imagining what you've written on your list. Thinking of my own list. And let me be the first to say, my goodness. No wonder you feel the way that you do. No wonder this has been so difficult for you. Look at all that you've been through. So for whatever you may be coping with, we want to extend our blessings to you.