Myths of Self-Compassion

Season #5 May 20, 2025

This episode of "Coping" covers a discussion between Kathy and Kevin about self-compassion, addressing common myths and misconceptions. They reference Kristin Neff's research and quotes throughout the discussion. Kathy and Kevin debunk four main myths: that self-compassion is just feeling sorry for oneself, that it makes one weak and unmotivated, that it is selfish, and that it is the same as self-esteem. They emphasize that self-compassion involves recognizing shared human experiences, building resilience, fostering connection, and accepting imperfections. Kathy shares her initial skepticism about self-compassion, noting how she initially viewed it as unproductive. Kevin admits to thinking self-compassion was self-pity. Both now advocate for self-compassion as a means to nurture oneself, build strength, and enhance relationships with others. Kathy closes the discussion with a poem by John Donahue, encouraging gentle self-care.

Highlights

Introduction to Self-Compassion and Addressing Misunderstandings - Kathy introduces a new series on self-compassion, highlighting its values in upcoming episodes.

- Kevin acknowledges common misunderstandings about self-compassion, admitting he once doubted its usefulness, viewing it as self-pity or a sign of weakness that would reduce productivity.

- Kathy mentions that eight years ago, she didn't fully grasp the depth and practices of self-compassion, and how it can lead to increased connection, strength, and resilience.

- Kathy and Kevin plan to debunk four major myths about self-compassion and reveal its power.

Myth 1: Self-Compassion is Just Feeling Sorry for Myself

- Kevin admits he used to equate self-compassion with self-pity, feeling bad when things went wrong.

- Kevin clarifies that self-pity is self-focused, involving questions like "Why me?" and dwelling on negative aspects, whereas self-compassion is different.

- Kathy explains that self-compassion reminds us of our shared human experience, acknowledging that everyone struggles, which fosters connection rather than isolation.

- Kevin notes that self-pity isolates, while self-compassion nurtures the hurting part of ourselves, encouraging us to seek support and connection.

- Kevin suggests that during challenging times, acknowledging pain and asking what one needs can aid healing.

- Kathy mentions Kristin Neff as a leading researcher in self-compassion, whose myths they are summarizing and paraphrasing.

- Kathy shares Neff's quote: "Self-compassion frames the experience of imperfection in light of the shared human experience."

- Kevin emphasizes that this perspective shifts us from isolation to connection, allowing imperfections to be viewed in a broader context.

Myth 2: Self-Compassion Will Make Me Weak and Unmotivated

- Kathy admits she used to believe that being harsh on herself was necessary for motivation and change, fearing that self-care would lead to a breakdown.

- Kathy states that research shows the opposite: being harsh wears you down, while self-compassion builds resilience and strength to face daily struggles.

- Kevin acknowledges that self-compassion is a challenging practice that becomes more habitual with effort, providing needed energy and support.

- Kevin shares Neff's quote: "The supportive stance of self-compassion provides strength to face the battles of life," extending it to include internal battles.

- Kevin discusses using self-compassion in therapy to address painful memories and insecurities, finding it a source of strength for internal struggles.

- Kathy uses the analogy of putting on an oxygen mask first, emphasizing that self-compassion enables us to help others by acknowledging our own needs.

- Kathy concludes that being kind to oneself is not weak but smart and strong.

- Kevin, drawing from his experience as a first responder, reiterates the importance of self-care to effectively care for others.

- Kevin emphasizes that one must practice self-care to genuinely encourage it in others.

Myth 3: Self-Compassion Is Selfish

- Kathy introduces the third myth: self-compassion is selfish, with people worrying that focusing on self-care will lead to neglecting others.

- Kevin argues that compassion is not a limited resource; being good to ourselves provides more energy to support others.

- Kevin shares that he is more effective at work when rested and having taken care of himself.

- Kathy shares Kristin's quote: "The more compassion that flows inward, the more resources we have available to be there for others."

- Kathy likens self-compassion to compounding interest, where investing in ourselves multiplies our capacity to share with others.

- Kevin introduces the model that you can't give what you don't have, emphasizing the need to extend grace and support to oneself before offering it to others.

- Kevin notes that research supports this in both personal relationships and when caring for strangers, indicating that self-compassion enhances one's ability to love and care for those in their personal life.

Myth 4: Self-Compassion Is the Same as Self-Esteem

- Kathy introduces the final myth, clarifying that self-esteem and self-compassion are often confused but are quite different.

- Kathy explains that self-esteem depends on feeling special or superior and fluctuates with success and failure.

- Kathy states that self-compassion involves accepting ourselves as imperfect humans, regardless of circumstances.

- Kevin reflects on how his feelings of value fluctuate, suggesting he relies more on self-esteem than self-compassion.

- Kevin shares Kristin Neff's quote: "With self-compassion, we don't need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves."

- Kathy emphasizes that self-compassion is more freeing and sustainable than constantly seeking approval.

- Kevin admits to being guilty of seeking external approval.

Conclusion: The Essence of Self-Compassion

- Kevin summarizes that self-compassion is not self-pity, weakness, selfishness, or merely self-esteem, but something more profound.

- Kathy concludes that practicing self-compassion builds resilience, connection, and worth.

- Kathy encourages viewers to reflect on the myths that resonate with them and take small steps toward self-compassion.

- Kathy closes with a poem by John Donahue titled "For One Who is Exhausted," advocating for gentle self-care and reflection.

Episode Transcript

Kathy
Hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". And today we're launching a new series on self-compassion. And we'll be highlighting the values of this practice the next couple episodes.

Kevin
Yeah, there are a lot of misunderstandings out there about self-compassion. I too was one of those who doubted the use of self-compassion and viewed it just as feeling sorry for yourself or something that might make you weak, thinking that self-compassion would make me like less productive.

What about you, Kathy? What was your view on self-compassion?

Kathy
Yeah, I think when I started looking at this topic about eight years ago, I didn't know the depth of the work that's necessary and all of the practices around self-compassion, how it actually helps us become more connected, stronger, and more resilient. And so today we're going to walk through the four big myths surrounding self-compassion and discover the power of self-compassion.

Kevin
Let's get started.

Kathy
So our first myth is self-compassion is just feeling sorry for myself. What do you think about that, Kevin? Did you used to think that self-compassion was just feeling sorry for yourself?

Kevin
I did. You know, it's easy to think that self-compassion is like self-pity, that I feel for myself, that I feel bad when things are going bad. I now know that that's not true.

The reality is, is that feeling sorry for yourself or self-pity is actually self-focused, like asking the questions like, why me? And focusing on like the things that are going wrong, whereas self-compassion is something entirely different.

Kathy
Yes, self-compassion actually reminds us that we're part of a shared human experience and that everyone struggles and we're all part of this universe where everyone is struggling with something. And so it actually shifts our perspective and helps us feel connected rather than isolated.

Kevin
That's right. Whenever we're feeling sorry for ourselves, it actually makes us feel more isolated and disconnected from other people, when in reality, what we actually need is deeper connection.

And so self compassion allows us to nurture that part of us that is hurting and recognizes the need to reach out for support and for help and connection. And so when we are going through something really challenging in our life, recognizing that pain and acknowledging it and then asking ourselves, what is it that I need right now? What would help to nurture my spirit in this challenging experience that I'm going through is going to be the thing that helps us to heal.

Kathy
Yes, exactly. And so we want to also acknowledge that the person's done the greatest amount of work on this is Kristin Neff. And she has the best research resources.

We have taken a compilation of her myths on her website and are summarizing them today and paraphrasing them. And here's her quote that she says about this first myth, self-compassion frames the experience of imperfection in light of the shared human experience.

Kevin
It's such an important quote, right, because it allows us to shift from isolation to connection. When we allow ourselves to frame that human experience that we're having, which includes the highs and the lows, we allow the imperfections to have a light shined on them. And that's what draws us to others who are having that same human experience. That connection is so important.

And that leads us well into our next myth here. The next myth is, self-compassion will make me weak and unmotivated. What do you think about this one?

Kathy
I would say that I used to think, I used to believe this myth because I would also always think like if I'm not beating myself up, then how am I going to get anything done? How am I going to actually change? How am I going to feel motivated? I need to be a martyr. I need to just keep pushing and pushing and pushing. And if I take a pause to like take care of me, like then I'm going to break down and have an actual breakdown.

Kevin
Exactly. And I know you mentioned Kristin Neff and her research, can you speak a little bit to what the research says on this?

Kathy
Yeah, the research actually shows it's the exact opposite. So being harsh with ourselves doesn't make us tougher, it actually wears you down.

And that's been my experience personally as well. And so when you're compassionate with yourself, you build resilience and strength to face all of the daily struggles and battles.

Kevin
right? Yeah, you know, self-compassion is a really hard practice. Obviously we're talking about it today and certainly easier said than done. But like any practice, the more you turn back to it, the more you attempt the practice, the more it becomes a habit. I don't think it ever gets easier, but there is a history of seeing when self-compassion actually gives us the the energy and the support that we need.

And I really appreciate Kristin Neff's quote here related to being harsh with yourself and self-compassion. She says, "the supportive stance of self-compassion provides strength to face the battles of life." And I would also extend that to say the strength that we need from the strength that we get from self-compassion helps us to fight the external battles, but also the internal battles as well. I've been engaged in some therapy that utilizes internal family systems and self-compassion as a tool for unpacking some of my painful memories and some of the messages that I send myself in some of those shadow sides of me. And what I've seen is self-compassion can be the strength that I need to work through some of those internal battles that I go through, some of those insecurities, some of that internal pain and strife that I experience from day to day. What's been your experience with that, Kathy?

Kathy
Yeah, so it's just this same saying that we have, that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you think about, you know, an emergency situation on the plane and you have a child next to you, how are you going to help or an elderly person, what person you're caring for, how are you going to help them if you can't breathe yourself?

And so when we turn the self-compassion back to ourselves first, then what we do is we're acknowledging what we need in order to help others. And so being kind to ourselves isn't weak, it's actually smart and strong.

Kevin
That's right. And you mentioned about emergency situations. As a first responder, we're told and taught to put that oxygen mask on ourselves first so that we become useful to care for other people. And that's so true when you're working as a first responder is that you can only care for others to the extent at which you're caring for yourself.

And if you are saying to others, be good to yourself, take care of yourself. You're trying to bring wellness and wholeness to other people. You only know if that's possible if you're doing it in your own life. And I've been convicted by that. In the many years I've been in this work, you have to be caring for yourself to know that it's possible to take care of yourself when you're encouraging others to do the same.

Kathy
Yes, exactly, and that leads us to our third myth, and it's very related, is that self-compassion is selfish. People often worry that they focus on caring for themselves, then they're gonna stop caring for others, and it will just become like this self-focused venture.

Self-compassion will become very selfish. Yeah, yeah. But what has been your experience with this?

Kevin
The reality is, compassion is not a limited resource. When we are good to ourselves, we actually have more energy, more internal resources to love and to support other people.

And that has been true in my work, where when I'm exhausted, when I am fed up, when I am frustrated, I'm not as useful as when I arrive to work with a full cup and when I'm rested. And when I've taken care of myself, it makes me better able to care for other people too.

Kathy
Yes, I love Kristin's quote here about this. She says, the more compassion that flows inward, the more resources we have available to be there for others.

Kevin
Exactly right.

Kathy
Yeah, self-compassion has this multiplying effect of it is like a compounding interest of investing in ourselves and then multiplying and then being able to share with others. Because if you think about what you said earlier, if we're only able to give grace, empathy, kindness, compassion to others at the extent that we're giving it to ourselves, some of us may look at the investment in ourselves and say, don't have much to give.

Kevin
Yeah, that's exactly right. A model that I carry with me in my work is that you can't give what you don't have. And so in order to give grace to others, you have to extend it to yourself first. In order to offer support to other people, you have to take that help for yourself.

And this is supported in the research, not just for caring for strangers or for community members who may be in need. This is also true in intimate relationships as well. When you are more loving, more caring for yourself, it makes you better able to love and care for the people that you're in a relationship with in your personal life. And that leads us to our final myth here. Self-compassion is the same as self-esteem. This is an interesting one because self-esteem isn't necessarily a negative thing. So can you help us unpack this one?

Kathy
Sometimes these two words are conflated, self-esteem and self-compassion, but they're actually quite different. Self-esteem often depends on feeling special or being better than others. And it goes up when we succeed, but it crashes when we fall or fail.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, isn't about being better than anyone. It's about accepting ourselves as we are, imperfect and human, no matter what.

Kevin
Oh, wow. That's so good. I really appreciate that. And I would say that that's true in my life now.

There are days when I am feeling on a high of how valuable I feel and how grateful I am, and then days where I feel like I crashed and burned. And so perhaps I'm relying more on self-esteem than I am on self-compassion. What a great reminder. Yeah. And Krista Neff on this topic says, with self-compassion, we don't need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves. What a great reminder.

Kathy
Yeah, I love that. It's so much more freeing and sustainable, right, than chasing constant approval.

Kevin
Yeah, exactly. I am guilty of that, that's for sure, seeking external approval.

So as we reflect back on what we discussed today, self-compassion is not self-pity. It is not weakness or selfishness or just another version of self-esteem. It's something much bigger and stronger.

Kathy
Yes, and practicing self-compassion actually builds true resilience, connection, and worth. And so, we encourage you to think about which myths resonate with you and maybe take one small step of showing yourself some self-compassion as a result.

And to close our time together, I'm going to end with a poem by John Donahue, and this is titled, "For One Who is Exhausted". You have traveled too fast over false ground. Now your soul has come to take you back. Take refuge in your senses. Open up to all the small miracles you rushed through. Become inclined to watch the way of rain when it falls slow and free. Imitate the habit of twilight, taking time to open the well of color that fostered the brightness of day. Draw alongside the silence of stone until its calmness can claim you. Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Myths of Self-Compassion

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