Belonging is Built

By Krista Vanderzee

"At the core of me, and I suspect humanity, is a hunger to belong.”

~Cole Arthur Riley

After my first child was born, I joined a mom group at my church, fully expecting to meet “my people.” I imagined supportive moms who understood this huge transition. I couldn’t wait to connect with them.

The women were kind, and the group was thoughtfully planned, but it didn’t fit me. A guest speaker offered discipline advice I disagreed with. We made holiday crafts, but I longed for deeper connection. When one woman said she’d never choose a home birth, everyone nodded. I had just experienced a planned home birth, one of the most transformative experiences of my life, but I kept that to myself.

I didn’t go back to that mom group the next year, but I was determined to find a place that fit me. I spent a few lonely years trying different activities and communities, searching for somewhere I could be myself and get practical support as a mother.

When nothing fit, I started to think my desire to belong was irrational.

Looking back,I realize I had been searching for the wrong thing. I thought I wanted a mom group, but what I really wanted was to belong in a community during this hard, new season of life.

Being part of a group isn’t the same as being fully seen and accepted in community.

Today I’m surrounded by supportive, thoughtful friends who listen without judgment, problem-solve with me (only when I ask!), and care for my kids. Some of them are moms, some are not. I didn’t find that community; I built it. But it wasn’t built overnight. 

It started with writing down the names of everyone I was connected to, noticing who already gave me a sense of belonging, and circling the names of those I wanted to know better. I made a tiny plan to text one of those circled people each Thursday while my kids were napping.

Over time, these connections have held me steady on the ever-changing journey of parenting. They don’t all know each other, and this community doesn’t have a clever name, but they know me. They see me and accept me. And sometimes, nestled in the deeper connection, we even do crafts. 

Who in your life fully sees and accepts you?

Who comes to mind as you read this? What's one small way you could reach out to them this week?

Additional Resource:

✍️ Read Krista’s blog here: https://substack.com/@kristavanderzee